Satan in the Church

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews talking.  Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.

“Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.

“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.

“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony?” persisted Satan.

“Yep,” was the calm reply.

“And you’re still not afraid? asked Satan.

“Nope,” said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”

DISORDER IN THE AMERICAN COURTS

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and arethings people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and nowpublished by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place...
____________ _________ _________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ ____________ __

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ ____________ _

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ ____________ __

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ ____________ _
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________ _________ _________ ___________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________ _________ _________ ____________ __
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
 Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ ____________ __

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ _________ _________ ____________ __

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead  people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ ___________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
 What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ ____________ __

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a  pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began  the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians in our
government and courts are lawyers and our nation is so screwed up.

Computer Repair

Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller : Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse you fool!
Caller: Mmmmm??..Oh really?...I will send a picture.


Scroll down?. . . .

Big People Words

A group of kindergarteners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my 'Nana'," said Chris.
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" said the teacher.
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo choo," said Mitchell.
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

Assorted Jokes 20 March 2010

And while we are at it, here's more for our presidentiables:

Villar: Tondo Boy

Noynoy: Mama's Boy

Gibo: Lover Boy

Erap: Kanto Boy

Gordon: AmBoy

Eddie: Altar Boy


Presidentiable Joke:

Villar: "Sipag at Tiyaga"

Gibo: "Galing at Talino"

Noynoy: "Villar, baka C5 at Tiyaga"

Villar: "Noynoy, Mama at Papa"

Santino: "'wag na tayong mag-away away baka magalit si Bro"

*********** * ********* ********* ********* ********* ***
> > >Pacquiao Joke:

Aling D: anak pag nanganak ulit c jinkey ee isama mo ung pangalan nating tatlo
Manny: huh?? may naisip kana ba inay??
Aling D: uu naman
Manny: ano?
AlingD: e di DioManJi

*********** * ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
Erap Jokes:

Ang gatas ko noong baby ako, Lactum,kuwento ni Marcos sa ibang presidente.

˜Ah ako, Enfalac, ‘yun ang mahal, eh,sagot ni Cory.

Ako, Lactogen, kaya ganito ako katalino,sabi ni Ramos.

Ikaw, Erap, ano ang iniinom mo noon? tanong ng tatlo. Ano yata Lactacyd.

Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister.

Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister.

Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines ?

Yes,’ mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong din, Ahh, is London Bridge falling down?

*********** * ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
GMA Jokes:

Dear God, so far this year you’ve taken my favorite singer Michael Jackson, my favorite actor Patrick Swayze and
my favorite actress Farah Fawcett. Just to let you know my favorite politician is Ate Gloria po.

Tanong: Ano ang kaibahan ng FAIRY TALE sa STATE OF THE NATION ADDRESS?
Sagot: Ang Fairy Tale ay kwentong di totoo na may dwende. Ang SONA ay may dwende na nagkukuwento ng di totoo!

President Barack Obama finally calls up Malacañang:
OBAMA: May i speak with that small but great Filipina who is the pride of all Filipinos?
GMA: (kinilig) Yes? How are you, Mr President?
OBAMA: Congratulations, Charice! That was a great performance you gave at my inauguration!

*********** * ********* ********* ********* ********* ****
Gibo Joke:

Q. Bakit Si Gibo parang SM?
A. Kasi si Gibo he's got it all!

Q. Bakit Si Gibo parang Metrobank?
A. Kasi you're in good hands with Gibo

Q. Bakit Si Gibo parang Globe?
A. Kasi abot mo ang mundo with Gibo

Q. Bakit Si Gibo parang Smart?
A. Kasi he’s Simply Amazing!

Q. Bakit si Gibo parang PLDT?
A. Kasi he's touching lives

Q. Bakit si Gibo parang Manila Bulletin?
A. Kasi pag siya naging President, there's good news here

Q. Bakit si Gibo parang Inquirer?
A. Kasi meron siyang Fearless Views

Q. Bakit si Gibo parang Nokia?
A. Kasi he's connecting people

Q. Bakit si Gibo parang Samsung?
A. Kasi he's like no other

Contributor: Kapitan Abner - ITSI Boy ng Afghanistan

10 Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are
thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say; talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife
treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished..

Contributor: Kapitan Abner - ITSI Boy sa Afghanistan

What starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade My sister is in the 3rd grade
and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a
test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st
grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to
take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should
know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the
3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and
contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the
fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

Contributor: Kapitan Abner - ITSI Boy sa Afghanistan